CHANGES
I wrote this a long time ago, somewhere in 2005. Some of you may have already read this whilst some prolly haven't. This lil piece I wrote is special to me, for it speaks of who I truly am. The present me. The person I have now become and embraced. And the man who is responsible for putting me through this transformation is prolly the only person I truly loved and will love. He taught me a great deal about myself, life and love. And there has never been another, who has been able to make me see myself, life and love for what they truly are. I am blessed for having been given this chance. Which is to be able to love and be loved. When you grow up and look back at the things you have been through in life, you will learn that even the worst experiences are sometimes the best...
Everything changes... people, situations, feelings, moods, thoughts, and even Life. And you learn that some of these changes happen way beyond your undoing, whilst others are from your own decisions and what about those that happen naturally without you realising? The kind that happens WITHIN you - in the depths of your heart and soul... your emotions... without you knowing how much you have changed until something happens and you look at yourself, really look at yourself hard, and ask - "Oh god, what have I become?"
We were opposites. Like North and South. Fire and Water. Black and White. Love and Hate. I guess opposites attract. Some attract to maintain balance and stability and some to make or break you. My Opposite used to say I was sensitive. Wait, in fact, it used to say, I was way too sensitive. Also said I was too emotional, too romantic, too good, too kind, too sweet, too giving... too this, too that... to my Opposite I was just too much of... - Love. And I used to wonder what it expected me to be, if not myself? Did it have an expection that I had to measure up to or rather down to?Would it, rather, me be someone less sensitive, less emotional, less giving, less loving, less kind, less sweet... less EVERYTHING. Did it want me to be a LESSER person just so I would be who it wanted me to be? But isn't that wrong? Who would want a lover who was a lesser person? Why do I have to change myself for someone...? Questions, doubts... was all I had of it, of me and of us.
And I tried... tried so hard... became the lesser person it wanted me to be but it was never enough. It wanted me to be a more lesser person than that... and I was doing everything against what I thought was right and that is not what a relationship should be about. And I went on becoming that lesser person. And it wanted me to keep going on and on and on... and each time I was asking myself - How much more? Am I to disregard my own feelings and thoughts and be a man of self regard? Until one day, without realising, I died... died inside. My soul had lost its light and essence... and I was but an empty vessel of blood and veins.
Change. The kind we never see coming. When I died, everything died with it - me, it and us. I became what I despised the most. I became it. Became my Opposite. Became him.
Changes... some good, some bad... can kill or save you...
0257hrs
