CHANGES
I wrote this a long time ago, somewhere in 2005. Some of you may have already read this whilst some prolly haven't. This lil piece I wrote is special to me, for it speaks of who I truly am. The present me. The person I have now become and embraced. And the man who is responsible for putting me through this transformation is prolly the only person I truly loved and will love. He taught me a great deal about myself, life and love. And there has never been another, who has been able to make me see myself, life and love for what they truly are. I am blessed for having been given this chance. Which is to be able to love and be loved. When you grow up and look back at the things you have been through in life, you will learn that even the worst experiences are sometimes the best...
Everything changes... people, situations, feelings, moods, thoughts, and even Life. And you learn that some of these changes happen way beyond your undoing, whilst others are from your own decisions and what about those that happen naturally without you realising? The kind that happens WITHIN you - in the depths of your heart and soul... your emotions... without you knowing how much you have changed until something happens and you look at yourself, really look at yourself hard, and ask - "Oh god, what have I become?"
We were opposites. Like North and South. Fire and Water. Black and White. Love and Hate. I guess opposites attract. Some attract to maintain balance and stability and some to make or break you. My Opposite used to say I was sensitive. Wait, in fact, it used to say, I was way too sensitive. Also said I was too emotional, too romantic, too good, too kind, too sweet, too giving... too this, too that... to my Opposite I was just too much of... - Love. And I used to wonder what it expected me to be, if not myself? Did it have an expection that I had to measure up to or rather down to?Would it, rather, me be someone less sensitive, less emotional, less giving, less loving, less kind, less sweet... less EVERYTHING. Did it want me to be a LESSER person just so I would be who it wanted me to be? But isn't that wrong? Who would want a lover who was a lesser person? Why do I have to change myself for someone...? Questions, doubts... was all I had of it, of me and of us.
And I tried... tried so hard... became the lesser person it wanted me to be but it was never enough. It wanted me to be a more lesser person than that... and I was doing everything against what I thought was right and that is not what a relationship should be about. And I went on becoming that lesser person. And it wanted me to keep going on and on and on... and each time I was asking myself - How much more? Am I to disregard my own feelings and thoughts and be a man of self regard? Until one day, without realising, I died... died inside. My soul had lost its light and essence... and I was but an empty vessel of blood and veins.
Change. The kind we never see coming. When I died, everything died with it - me, it and us. I became what I despised the most. I became it. Became my Opposite. Became him.
Changes... some good, some bad... can kill or save you...
0257hrs
HEAVENLY ANGEL
As the Heavens opened her majestic doors,
You floated from your sanctuary forever more,
While you swooped down across the essence of time,
Letting your wings brush up against all that was mine.
As your beautiful soft wings brushed against my heart,
I knew that you and me would never part,
You fluttered those wings against all that I was,
Changing us forever more, just because.
Like the shooting stars that shoot across the night sky,
The love that you have, brought a heavenly tear to my eye,
I have never questioned where it was you came from,
From the throne room of God is what has made us one.
Destiny will play a role in whom we will be,
It has been etched in stone for all of eternity,
The angels sit and marvel at the job that you were given,
They knew you would come to me, it had been written.
Sweet angel from the Heavens above,
You sacrificed who you were to bring me all your love,
As the majestic winds of life blow across your sweet breath,
Now our hearts and souls will always have a mystical rest.
From the Four Corners of this vast Universe we're found,
Bonding our spirits forever, oh, how we are bound,
He knew before time that we are made incomplete,
Thus, he made us a 'kindred spirit' so we would not weep.
0519hrs
THE LITTLE HEART
As I was doing some cleaning earlier, I came across this little book which was given to me as a gift by a German friend of mine, Frank, somewhere in 2005, if I remember correctly. It's a small crimson red book measuring 10cm by 10cm with a little pink heart-shaped jewel embedded in the centre of it. The title of the book is The Little Heart (Das Kleine Harz) written by Wolfgang Joop. It's a simple book with little words and illustrations, about 33 pages thick and with very colourful pages. But, the thing that makes this book very special is the meaning of the short story it tells of. I love this book. It's so simple even a kid in nursery can read yet, however, the meaning of the story is so profound, refreshing and uplifting. It's so beautiful I have to share it with all of you. I hope you will enjoy it. Here's how it goes...
THE LITTLE HEART
When the little heart was still very little, it did not have any dreams, because it did not have the images to dream.
When the little heart began to grow, it did not have any wishes. It beat to the rhythm of another heart. The heart of its mother.
When the little heart was born, it almost stopped beating in fright.
When the little heart stopped hearing its mother's heartbeat, it felt very alone.
When the little heart learned that every heart beats only for itself, it felt icy cold.
When the little heart felt another heart beating nearby, it felt a little warmer.
When the little heart felt even more hearts beating nearby, it calmed down.
When the little heart got a little bigger, it often felt afraid and very alone...
When the little heart was in despair, it heard, "You must be big and strong!"
When the little heart then got bigger, it heard, "You must fight!"
When the little-big heart heard that, it asked itself, "Why should I fight? Against whome? And what for?"
When the little-big heart then heard, "Because you want to be a grown-up heart, don't you?", it thought, "But I am only THE heart. And a heart is always a child."
When the little-big heart grew bigger, it had many wishes...
When the little-big heart learned that many of its wishes would not be fulfilled, it often wanted to stop beating.
When the little-big heart got even bigger, it learned that hoping is nicer than wishing...
When the little-big heart continued to grow, it was often very tired from growing and did not always want to beat.
When the little-big heart learned it would die if it did not keep on beating, it kept on beating.
When the little-big heart got even bigger, it sometimes beat very erratically.
When the little-big heart beat especially erratically, it felt ill.
When the little-big heart felt as if it had been hit by an arrow, it thought it was dying.
Then the little-big heart heard a voice which told it, "What you are feeling now may feel like pain, but it is LOVE!"
Then the little-big heart stopped wanting to be a little heart, or even a little-big heart.
The heart wanted then to grow and grow and grow enough to let all the warmth and light in.
When the little big heart was so big that it did not fit in this book anymore...
it became the heart that was given to you...!
1032hrs
THE BEAST IN US
Something happened earlier today which I wish hadn't. Something I am not very proud of. Something so bad I wish I could turn back the hands of time to erase. Something that I wish I could forget forever. Today I saw a part of me I never knew existed. A part of me I never thought could ever be. I guess its true that anger can be such a lethal emotion. I guess one does really lose their minds when they allow themselves to succumb to anger. A man indeed becomes a beast. He can lose all humanity and take over such a primal, raw and savage nature.
I am feeling so terrible right now. I haven't even slept since I got back from work. I just can't. It's haunting me and eating away at what little forgiveness I have left for myself. I succumbed to my emotions and allowed myself to lose all sense of reason and logic. I became what I have always loathed and I did what I said I would NEVER do. No amount of regret nor sorrow could ever make right what I did. No amount of forgiveness could ever make me feel better.
What happened today woke me up. It was a reality check. A hard nudge in the head. Telling me to look around me and see what I am doing. I have been dealing it with anger all these while it has made me blind to everything else. I was unable to see what I was doing all along.
I need to heal my soul and my spirit. And I need to learn to forgive myself before I can even ask to be forgiven...
"Change isn't easy.
Changing the way you live means
changing how you think.
Changing how you think means
changing what you believe
about life.
When we make our own misery,
we sometimes cling to it
even when we want so bad to
change,
because the misery is something
we know.
The misery is comfortable."
1317hrs
L.O.V.E
Love. What is Love? What is this emotion we can and cannot live without? Too much of it smothers us and too little of it deprives us. In the grammatical sense of the word Love means:-
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection; sexual passion or desire; infused with or feeling deep affection or passion; sexual intercourse; copulation.
Can some of us, if not all, really say that we have felt true love in our lives, at least once? Can we say we have felt the pure, celestial and divine force of this powerful energy? Or can we say we have felt the malicious, malevolent and malign wrath of it?
Do we really know what Love truly is? Love is a powerful energy or an universal force. Like many human emotions it has many faces but it is THE one human emotion that remains mysterious. In ancient times, it has been associated with pagan figures like Aphrodite - the Greek Goddess of Love, Venus - the Roman Goddess of Love, Eros - the Greek God of Love. It has even been associated with Freja - the Goddess of Sexuality. Love and its many faces. In modern times, of new age and self-healing, Love is recognized as the one true positive energy to dispel all negativity. It is what will change your life for the better.
So you ask yourself, if Love has been depicted as something good and positive since ancient times, then that must be what it is. Well, if you ask me, I say Love is what you make of it. Love is a part of Nature. Like Nature it is neither good nor bad. It is both forgiving and punishing. It is like a gun. Imagine what happens when a gun falls in the hands of a murderer? And then imagine what happens when a gun is given to a man of righteousness. They use it for different reasons. The former uses it to kill and the latter uses it to protect.
I guess that is what Love is - both good and bad. True Love is love in its purest form. It heals, enriches and completes the human soul. Fatal Love is love in its blackest and darkest form. It suffocates, scars and leaves the human soul jaded. Sexual Love is love in its most selfish and manipulative form. It cheats, lies and feeds off the human soul. Unconditional Love is love in its true form. It nurtures, cares and loves another human soul for what lies within.
I am sure most of us have had our own personal experiences of sexual love. So let's leave that aside. True Love? I can proudly say I was once blessed enough to have that in my life and now that it is over, I do not dread it being over. Life has taught me a great deal. I have learnt to take the experiences in life and learn from them in a positive way. So instead of gloating about the past I am just grateful that I was able to feel true love once. Fatal Love. A face of love I have never been able to wholly understand. As incomprehensible as it may seem, it exists! The unfathomable depths of fatal love. One that's so black and dark!
As the saying goes, "If you truly love someone, sometimes you just have to let them go." And that was all I asked for. To be left alone. Having just been released from an emotionally and mentally straining relationship, I have learnt that Love isn't always what it seems to be.
Ah, yes, it seems, oh, so picture perfect and fairy-tale-like to have someone think you mean the world to them and to treat you like the king of their heart. But a love so intense and dramatic can only bring such fatal and malicious results. You'd think you can trust this person who claims to love you like there is no tomorrow. And that they would never do anything to ever ruin you. But what do you do when they threaten to ruin your life and take everything you have away from you? What do you do when you know you are being followed and watched every time? What do you do when the trust you placed in them is betrayed and they use that against you? What do you do when they make you the bad guy in the eyes of others?
Love, if anything has taught me to be stronger. What doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger.
